Almost three years ago, I left home for A-Level.
It was my first time being away for such a long time in a place where almost no one knew me. I got sick the first night itself. Surely, you know how terrible it is, don’t you? Getting sick in a “foreign land”.
Alone.
Far from home.
Far from anyone you know.
But I recovered, so don’t you worry, you little cheesecake. Though my fever got better, my mind didn’t. The first few weeks were a tough period of self-doubts and self-questioning.
Why am I here?
I wondered why I chose this wallet-burning path. There was a cheaper option back home where my close friend group was. I wondered.
In the first few weeks, every cent I spent; every breath I took; every second I lost felt wrong. It was as if it had been a wrong choice from the beginning, and as if things could’ve been better had I chosen the side where the grass was greener.
Every part of me screamed,
I shouldn’t be here.
But, time heals, so things got better. And I felt better — until the next thing came up.
🕊️ Freedom
Whenever someone asks me if A-Level is hard, this is my usual response,
What’s hard isn’t the syllabus itself, but whether you can use the freedom that comes with it well.
With 100% external examinations, you could come back from classes every day and lie in bed doing nothing besides scrolling on your phone until the next morning.
If you live away from home, there will be no supervision — no one telling you to study when it’s time and to go to bed when it’s time.
I remember a chemistry tutor once said,
A student who lives far from home is like an electron of an atom, the further one is from home (nucleus), the easier for one to be excited about anything other than studying.
Because there was freedom, there was a temptation to choose short-term gains over long-term rewards. I lost myself so much that waking up at sunsets and sleeping at sunrises was normal, that falling sick every month was normal, and that studying at the eleventh hour and considering skipping the tests was normal.
In the world of freedom that came with A-Level, I lost
time
health
money
relationships
opportunities
It isn’t too much to say that, had I slept enough and prepared well for the entrance interviews (which were already hard to get), I would’ve gotten a place at a university I could only keep dreaming about now.
Holy chocolate cow, even a full scholarship would be possible if I was ready for the scholarship interview too.
Losing these opportunities as a student taught me one thing.
It isn’t failing itself that hurts, but failing and knowing that you could’ve done better, and you didn’t.
Today, it still haunts me. When I see my peers having the time of their lives in Cambridge, Tsinghua, NUS, Harvard, and the like, it didn’t feel great knowing that I was probably a step or two away from being one of them.
But, as my English teacher loved to say,
There is no use crying over spilt milk.
🕸️ With great freedom comes great responsibilities
Freedom is a heavy word.
A person could thrive because of it. Another could be ruined because of it. That just shows how important it is to use it well before it uses you.
In my first time living alone, I was blessed with freedom, but not the capability of using it well. Hence, I ran away from reality, chasing after the pleasures that freedom had given to me. As such, I broke down many times for messing up my life even a mental breakdown wasn’t something I deserved.
Imagine being stuck in a body that doesn’t stop scrolling the Instagram Explore page and watching the next YouTube Short, no matter how hard you scream internally.
Imagine you have to fight against the enemies of temptations, but the strongest enemy is you.
Imagine you’ve tried countless methods, listened to countless podcasts, and watched countless YouTube videos and none of them seems to work.
It has been almost three years, my friend. I’m tired.
I’m tired of trying and failing.
But, it just doesn’t feel right to give up everything and waste time every night like it doesn’t matter. It would’ve been a million times worse to end this petty life knowing I could’ve done better.
No, I don’t have a solution. This letter is more of a rant than a guide to help you — who may be struggling similarly. But, I hope this stranger’s words for the anime — Your Lie in April — have the answer you seek.
This story has a sequel👇